Everyone with funny quotes post em here!!

here's mine for now

"You know you have a drinking problem, when the bartender knows your name. And you've never been to that bar."

-anonymous


"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush

haha i just feel bored, give me something to read -.-

I believe I know where that bar quote came from ... or at least where I heard it first.
It was a comedian named Zach Galifinakis, one of the most deadpan and funniest guys I've ever seen on TV.

"this life is great, you get to travel to loads of over sea places like canada" britney spears

EDIT: bush quote removed to avoid possible offence...

What's wrong with that GWB quote? It's true isn't it? We get imports from Canada and Mexico which are not over any seas. If you're gonna pick on him you can't just pick anything he says, pick something that's actually funny. I know it's fashionable in liberal circles to care about nothing but hating on the president.

My friend Clancy has a refrigerator magnet that makes me smile every time I see it. It has a pic of GWB's face looking like he's in deep thought with the quote "We ought to make the pie higher"

Yogi Berra has some of the best quotes of all time though.

sorry if i have offended you skeneegee, i just thought it was a little amusing,

I thougt too that this wasn't a clever way of denigrating our president because we're obviously not an island over here, but I really couldn't figure out which quote of Pembo's would be the funny one since the punchline is the same for both quotes, yet they diametricaly oppose one another. Is Bush's funny because he doesn't think Canada and Mexico are overseas, or is Britney's funny because she does?

Here's my new favorite funny quote


Just kidding, Pembo.

Here's one
"I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called" Howard Dean. YEAAAARRRRGGGG!

look i wasnt trying to knock your president, but i was trying to knock britney spears

ok here is an einstein quote:
"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

Nah, you were right up there. It is amusing. And we all would be better if Britney never speaks.

I think some of the things bush says are realy funny.

Quote: If you give a cold man a match, he will be warm for a minute. If you light him on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life

-Me

"Build a man a fire, and you keep him warm for a day; set a man on fire, and you keep him warm for the rest of his life." is a good one too. I just don't know whom should be given credit. Terry Pratchett or John A. Hrastar both get it depending on the site you go to, or check out #211 and #343 here

http://www.weirdquotes.com/list.php?all=1

You wouldn't happen to be either of them, would you? I am curious now on who these guys are. I can see that Pratchett is an author, but I can't find anything relevant to who this Hrastar may be. I guess Hrastar could be a character in one of Pratchett's works, but most often the book would be also credited.

nope. my friend told me and I took it.

Hey Mike,

Please keep politics off of this board.

Regards,

David J

here's some random ones i found off some random site (meaning i take no credit for any of these).

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? (<--- sorry if it's too political )

I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire.

The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.[list=]

Apparently last month starting a thread encouraging people to visit a liberal site making outrageous claims against a right wing House bill didn't reach your standard of politics on this board.
http://twistypuzzles.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=30809&highlight=#30809

Off Topic threads only contain political cause célèbre at the point of defending the right?:shock: His sentence didn't inject politics, it gave an opinion of evidence contrary to the implications about a politician previously cited. It became politics when you claimed it to be such.

Back on this thread's topic of funny quotes (I know David will approve of this)

"Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material."
-- Dave Letterman

And from my favorite comedian:

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."
--Robin Williams

And for friends in the U.K., Sir Winston Churchill, who was full of of great lines:

"It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations."

Matt

[/quote]

Actually it does meet my standard.

I made no negative political charaterisations. I made no assumptions either way about the politics of the people who were for or against the bill. On the first page are pictures of a Republican and a Democrat who oppose the bill.

David J

you can't have a funny quotes thread without Yogi Berra

"This is like deja vu all over again."

"He must have made that before he died."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"Stand in alphabetical order by height."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

"Actually it does meet my standard. "
Today you're standard was "Please keep politics off of this board." In your topic labeled "Legislation alert", you began your first sentence in last month's post as "It seems that some people in Congress are pushing for a law..." You're next sentence began with "It's a tricky bit of legislation..." Which part again meets your standard of not being political? Oh here it is:
"I made no negative political charaterisations."
So not telling the reader exactly who is for and against a bill is the same as not bringing up politics? Maybe examining the actual bill that you say, with no assumptions either way, "violates a principle called Network Neutrality", we can see who's who. The bill is HR 5252, also known as the COPE Act. It introduces legislation that makes it easier for telephone companies to get into local broadband markets so cable companies don't have a monopoly. Now, the bill is sponsored by Joe Barton, a Republican. It has 55 co-sponsors, I'll spare listing them all, of whom 36 are Republican. See where this is going? The Network Neutrality is an amendment that has nothing to do with preventing anyone from deciding which "web sites are best for you". It was introduced as a bill (HR 5273) by Edward Markey, a Democrat. It had 21 cosponsors, 11 from California alone, and surprise, all 21 Democrats. I won't give you my analysis of what it is about because I can only be nasty, but I'll say with certainty it doesn't rise to the hysterics of "If where you go, what you watch, and what you do online is important to you..." tinfoil tactics.

The site you gave is an attempt get people to write Congress and blindly say "I support Network Neutrality." It's a device for your politicians to get their laws passed.

Again, how is this upholding your standard of keeping politics off this board?

I don't care how anyone leans in his political position. I don't care if it's discussed in an Off Topic thread. But don't act as though one line in defense of a politcian you don't like is off limits political speech, but your biased frenzy on current legislation is above that. Saying your thread maintains an integrity to "keep politics off of this board" is absurd and hypocritical.

umm, I think that this is getting a little off topic for this thread. Please go start another thread or something so people that don't want to read irritated posts don't have to.

This thread was made for fun, so have some :)

TBTTyler

Yeah, you're right about that. If you have any more inanities for me to destroy David, you can PM me. Sorry to take over your otherwise entertaining thread, Chris.

Matt

i didnt say that.....

[/quote]

I know you didn't say it. I was addressing a different Mike. I see what happened. Sorry for the mix up, I made mistake in editing.

DJ

That was my friend's senior quote in the year book.

"Never argue with an idiot, People watching may not be able to tell the difference"

"Never enter a battle of wits without ammunition"

"Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing, yet they bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."



SO many quotes, so little short term memory!
TBTTyler